Taking responsibility even when the fault is clearly not yours
Recently I received a frustrated email from a colleague CC-ing the rest of the team.
When there has been a stuff up at work, I always ask the question; What was my contribution? Every mistake, every failure is a beautiful learning moment. No matter how clear the cause of the issue is, I truly believe there is something everyone can take away from it.
Bank robbery? How did our security system fail? This doesn’t mean the robber should escape punishment. But the bank has just gone through an experience not many establishments will go through – its a golden opportunity. Motivation and ability to mobilize the workforce will be greater, now is the time to change systems – so USE the opportunity! – Ask the question, what can I do to improve this?
Be the board
In the “Art of Possibility” Rosamund Zander explains a concept called “being the board”. Don’t imagine yourself as a chess piece in a game that is a victim. Imagine yourself as the board in a game you have chosen to play. Ask the question: How did this occur on the board that I am? I am the framework for everything that happens in my life.
You as the board make room for all the moves in your life – for the capture of the opponent’s Knight as well as the sacrifice of your bishop. Instead of saying Why Me? Say How did this happen on the board that I am? This way you will relinquish the claim for fairness and justice in favor of richness in relationships. You open the channel for compassion.
The problem with always taking the blame
The flip side is that you take responsibility for everything, you see how you contributed and stop there.
By always taking the blame, you let others off the hook. Responsibility for learning and fixing things is hoarded by you. The best solutions are less likely to emerge. Plus resentment is likely to build up.
It would be more accurate to explore other things that contributed to the problem; roles, choices, reactions, processes, systems etc.
In the example, here are the causes of the issue
- I sent a rushed email with information that was incomplete.
- Information I did receive was from writer’s own department, there was a lack of communication between them. Maybe the information given to be was only a draft,
- I should not have been involved in the first place.
- I got involved because no one else was doing the job.
- Similar but unrelated issues have come up in the past – did the writer feel like he was not being listened to?
- The writer as upset and wrote a rude email which has now created another issue – I feel disrespected.
Its important to separate all these issues and discuss them differently. Often in arguments all these points will get discussed at the same time.
Side note: “Switch-track” conversation
Husband: I bought you roses for Valentines Day!
Wife: I’ve told you many times, I don’t like roses. (I feel you don’t listen to me)
Husband: Ok… but its a present, why would you just not say thank you (I don’t feel appreciated)
The feedback from both sides is important but you cannot discuss them together. Its like putting ingredients for an apple pie and shepherd pie in the oven together and hope it comes out good.
Looking at the system
In the example, yes there were a few things I could’ve done better and its important to learn from this. But there are other systemic issues. If you ignore these, the problem will not be fixed. I shouldn’t have to jump in and help with HR issues, this should be done. The information I received was incorrect – is there a problem in his department he is not aware of?
Boundaries
I strongly agree with not playing the victim, taking responsibility and envisioning your life as the board where you are responsible for your happiness.
However, your respect is the basic necessity and having strong boundaries around respect is non-negotiable.
These are completely two different issues. In the heading I used “Vs” as if the two concepts competing with each other. But now I know this is not the case. Only when you truly respect yourself and have boundaries, are you able to not take things personally and and respect others.
Look at the big picture, see what changes you can make, partner with people to have good relationships. AND make it clear to everyone, if the impact of their actions is detrimental to your self-image, self-respect, tell them.